Tomorrow is my last day of my relaxation phase. We have 2 day training sessions on grant writing Monday and Tuesday, and then Wednesday begins my new job with the National Youth Council, which is sort of an umbrella agency for youth education, activity and advocacy island wide. There are 18 Youth Councils nationwide, and I will be involved in helping them build and evaluate their programs and build their capacity to work better. Today I attended a four-hour general assembly meeting where I met some of the council members from around the island and heard some of the plans for the year and issues being faced. I will be busy! Already, I feel as though I am being welcomed and things are off to a good start. I feel very positive about the opportunities with this new assignment and I'm excited to get started. (Thankfully those 4 hour meetings only happen every 3 months.)

Yesterday was a fantastic day. Disappointing at first because I had made plans with Earl, my Babonneau host father (only 32) to visit the Sandals resort where he works (there are 3 of them here) and go diving. However, when I got there, I found out that due to having asthma, I couldn't dive. So I was signed up for the snorkeling trip instead. Disappointing, but still fun, as we went by boat to Anse Cochon, a bay with a well-known reef for diving. I saw a spotted eel and some squid as well as some really gorgeous fish and coral. Apparently there was a barracuda but I didn't see it. Afterwards, I joined a couple I met on the boat for lunch (it was so creepy to be alone in a sea of couples, mostly newlyweds), and had nice, free food and some fruity drinks. Then I cooled out on a chair by the pool, swam and read and had some more fruity drinks and then finished off the afternoon by watersports with some kayaking and sailing. I wanted to windsurf, but they were out until just before I left. Earl gave me a ride into the city, where he meets his friends for drinks every friday. I joined them for a few and had a great time, then went home and fell asleep at 9:30. Sam and Caroline are still both sick and I'm still fighting off whatever it is. Plus, from getting up early two mornings in a row I was exhausted.

Thursday I had an interesting day as well. I went to Vieux Fort, on the very southern tip of the island, to help with a sporting event hosted by the special schools, sort of like a mini special olympics. Two friends, Sam and Alliester were there, and that made it more fun. The three of us were in charge of a train wreck of an event, the frisbee throw, which took longer than any other single event I think. I was in charge of herding the children who were not throwing, and for more than an hour in the glaring mid-day hot sun, this was quite a lot of work. The whole day was not very organized, so was quite draining. The kids were cute and having fun, which made it all worthwhile. Plus, we got free lunch. I have to admit I was grateful when we left, slightly before the awards ceremony. It made me realize that the buddy system we used when my high school sponsored the special olympics every year was really a good idea because there was not enough supervision for those kids. I have a special kind of respect for the teachers who do that every day. That night I was supposed to see my friend Deborah, who is going to Canada this weekend, possibly for good. She was at Church and we were going to go out afterwards, but I never heard from her. I stayed up late watching a movie waitng and then finally went to bed.

Bad news: the cat is making me very allergic. Sebastian didn't bother me, but Sabine is a bit longer-haired and I've been super itchy, congested and sneezy in the last week despite using a special dander-reducing wash that mom sent. I fear she may have to go. Where, I don't know. I have to ask Gaga if they would take her back. I don't think I can handle living in an allergic state from now on. Jude got a new puppy, Rico, and he's very cute--a rot/doberman mix. And we got a new neighbor, a woman who I met only briefly. She seems nice but so far keeps to herself. Good to have something new in the neighborhood. Also good because the landlord isnt around as much and therefore hasn't followed through on her "cat goes or give me a security deposit" ultimatum."

Obviously, the war has begun, as we all knew it would, and it's a hot topic around here. Most people here don't support it, for political reasons and because of how it's going to devastate the tourism industry, which is already suffering. When I got back from Barbados Monday night and heard the announcement of a 48 hour deadline, I had a nightmare that night that all PCVs were called up for active duty. When I tried to protest that I was a volunteer and here for peaceful purposes I was told that I would be used for "Peacekeeping," and that dropping out was no longer an option. Man, was that a scary dream. I'm not the only volunteer having war nightmares. I feel so helpless. The only upside that I can see to this is that apparently flights have dropped to super cheap rates. If you're brave enough to visit, now's the time to buy tickets!

Incidentally, I had french fries for the first time yesterday since all this warmongering began, and I couldn't help but think of all the hoopla of them being called "Freedom Fries" in various locales in the US. What a load of crap. The only cool thing about it is the obvious jokes about "Freedom kisses" that inevitably follow. Propaganda really makes me sick.

On that note, I bid you all adieu for a few days. I still don't have a part for my laptop on the way, so I'll be checking email pretty sporadically again for the next few weeks.

There's never a dull moment in Barbados, just like the ads say. We had a blast. The sand is the whitest (with flecks of pink) I have ever seen, making the water look an unreal shade of blue. The beaches are long and wide, and it was so nice to be able to jog on the beach again. Our guest house was about 20 steps from a really nice beach (Sandy Beach) and several restaurants/bars, with a bank and supermarket just down the street. Ideal. We hardly needed to leave our area, so we didn't much. I'd love to go back and then I'd love to see more of the island. This trip was mainly about relaxing on the beach, shopping and going out for drinks and dancing with new friends. Four of us: Caroline, Shannon, Sam and I went, and we were visiting 2 Canadian volunteers there, Christy and Emily. Unfortunately Christy had gotten some sort of icky parasite from their recent trip to Trinidad for Carnival, so she was in the hospital when we got there. We visited Friday before heading downtown to see the sights and do some shopping. We had lunch in a cafe where there was iced cappucino, bagel sandwiches and Dave Mathews Band playing. None of these things are my absolute favorites (though i like them), so it's hard to explain to someone who hasnt been isolated in a tiny country for 8 months, but this was VERY EXCITING. We heard all kinds of "normal" pop from home on the radio and this thrilled me to no end. Friday night we went to the Harbour Lights with Christy and her visiting friend Sadie and some of her Bajan friends. Harbour Lights is a really cool club that has inside and outside beach areas, and MTV was there filming for their spring break specials. So scantily-clad 18 year-olds abounded, as you can imagine. We fled from the cameras but had a good time dancing. In the beginning, we girls were so excited they were playing techno and club-by type songs from home until we realized we didn't remember how to dance any way but to hiphop or soca. Then we realized you can SoCa to anything and all was well again. Funny how we were most excited when they started playing all the same old songs we always hear...

Anyway, that was fun and we planned to go to the big all-weekend beach party too, but we ended up just going to our own very close and relaxing beach and doing our own thing. In the evenings we met up with friends for drinks and went out a bit, though nothing as crazy as the first night. (strangely enough, we ran into Ian, Stephen and Donel from Digicel there--those guys are everywhere!) Though it wasnt much different than anything we normally do here, we loved the fact that there were so many places to go in Barbados. We stayed in Christchurch and saw a number of different places to the E. and W. of there. It's just so much more developed and city-fied than St. Lucia. They both have their benefits and they're both beautiful in different ways, but it was really just nice to be somewhere else and get to experience a bit more of a modern life for a few days. We all agreed that we could live there. We even got hassled less by the guys there than we do here! Which was strange... (Though I did get called "Cinderella" by a ras guy selling necklaces on the beach, and get proposed to by the guy renting chairs, at least they weren't offensive about it as St. Lucian guys would often be.)Downsides of the trip: I forgot my snorkelling gear, and our beach had a reef right there. I never got to windsurf, because the day i was finally going to do it the tide was too high (last day). Caroline and I forgot our ATM pins and had to go to great hassle to get them. (Everything is pretty expensive there--except where we stayed which was both nice and affordable). Sam came with a cold she hadnt gotten over, and she and Caro left sick, while I am nursing a gritty voice and a sore throat.

When we returned last night (after our flight was cancelled and we had to take one and hour and a half later), I got a ride immediately up to the girls' place to fetch Sabine. Heather had been watching her, and Thursday night before we left (just after I dropped her there) had the odious task of pulling a 15 inch tapeworm that was dangling from her out. Yick. Luckily Margaret was able to meet her the next day and bring the worm medicine we've been sharing for our pets, and now Sabine is looking much more bright-eyed and acting more energetic. Too energetic--I fear she will run off and meet the same fate as Sebastian. So I had to bring her and my big backpack and the bag of food/litter/toys home on the transport, and that was not fun. We made it ok though. I owe Heather immensely for the vile thing she had to do for my kitten.

Just to end on a happier topic, a volunteer from each of the other islands is here right now with their counterpart for training on grantwriting with a person in from DC. Afterwards, they will each go back to their island and teach everyone else at IST phase 2, which happens soon. (bad news there: while everyone else from EC 69 gets put up at Cara Suites, where we stayed our first two nights here, Doris, Caro and I are told we have to go home and come back during the 2 day training because we live nearby. This is ridiculous, and we are really vexed.) Anyway, we ran into Betty in the airport yesterday, and I got an email that Erin is staying for the weekend, with me, so that will be fun. Hope to see the others as well.

Fun gifts from Zach this week: a grateful dead guitar anthology and the Greatest Hits of Gregory Isaacs, both from my Amazon wishlist. The book makes me feel necessary guilt for not practicing lately and the CD is making finishing my quarterly report much more fun. Yes, bribery works--I have now forgiven him for not writing to me for nearly 6 months.

Yesterday we had our emergency drill, finally, after waiting for weeks. It took four hours in all, and luckily, many of us were here in the PC office when it happened, so we all cabbed to Doris's house, which is a designated "safe house," to wait for further instruction. In a real emergency we would hold out there until they tell us to go home or proceed to stage 3, evacuation at the airport. For the drill we just had to wait until everyone got to a safe house (difficult because many people from southern safe houses were in the capital for the day, so they had to come north as well) before we went to the airport. There we were met by the Warden for the Embassy here in St. Lucia and several armed rapid response unit police in camo armed with semi-automatic weapons. We were across the street from the airport by the beach, but I felt bad for the tourists coming in off the afternoon American flight, seeing us circled in by armed police--must have been a disturbing sight for them. Thankfully that's over for another 6 months or so until the new volunteers are here and settled in. The next batch comes April 4.

Margaret sent a cartoon yesterday which sums up my life here in some ways. Sad, in a way, but true. I would have been more offended or confused by it, but now that it's just a daily fact of life here, it's really pretty funny.

Off to the beach with Gaga and the girls in a bit, and then tonight I take Sabine to Heather's and wait for Amber, the girlfriend of Brian, a volunteer in St. Vincent, who is flying in tonight, staying with me, and out to SVG in the morning when we go to Barbados. Good timing, actually. I am so looking forward to this trip. Yesterday my meeting with the National Youth Council president and a representative from the Ministry of Youth and Sports was cut short by our drill, but it looks like my days of leisure are quickly drawing to a close. I go visit my new office downtown next week.

I was walking to the beach yesterday and heard a snatch of a pop song--some terrible alterna-band that I never liked to start with, but I was so excited and started singing along for a few seconds until I realized that I hate that song. Even rock songs I never liked are sounding pretty good because I never get to hear them. One of the things I miss most about home is variety. Here there is really no selection: 3 types of beer, one type of meal (with slight variations), 4 types of music, with variations (reggae, soca, hiphop, dub)... you get the picture. Along with anonymity and independence, I miss choice.

The good news: I have a new kitten! She's orange and white, and I've named her Sabine (pronounced Sha-bean), which is a patois word meaning light-skinned. She's small (maybe 10 weeks) and very cute and cuddly. The best part is that she came litter trained--I've had her 4 days now and no accidents yet. Which leads me to the bad news. The landlord, who is vexed with me over an incident where the washer got fixed and she tried to charge me for it, saying it was "misuse" though I have been doing laundry since I'm 12 years old and never had any problems and the machine has been there for a year and a half while I've only been there for 3 months, is taking out her frustration with me over the kitten issue. Although she loved Sebastian and had no problems with me having him, she's now saying that my new kitten will damage the furnishings and I need to give her a security deposit or get rid of her. This is getting ridiculous. Especially because she's much more well-behaved than Sebastian ever was. So far, at least. So I'm a little irrirated at the resurgence of landlord issues. The other problem is that a piece of my laptop broke last week. If it had to happen at all, the timing was good as the password I had for internet access expired the next day anyway. Jude looked at it for me, declared it unfixable, and told me it was my modem. I'm now told, as I thought, that it's just the little tray that you put the phone cord in that connected to the modem. So it's not as serious as it would seem, but i still need that part. Shane is on the job for me and I'm very grateful.

I was featured in an article in my hometown (Lansdale, PA) paper for Peace Corps day, though they didn't use the photo I sent and quoted me a bit out of context in one case (the part about being noble referred to what I thought about it in high school), it was still cool. Peace Corps day went well, and our mural looks really good. It wasn't everything we hoped the day would be, but for the most part it was a success. We got the thing done, it looks pretty good, we played with a lot of kids and even managed to teach them a little about HIV/AIDS. We also met a guy from the first PC St. Lucia group in the 60s. (EC 1, and we're EC 68 and 69) Photos coming soon.

I've been between assignments for over a week now, and I'm feeling good. I spent the first half of last week getting caught up on things like sleep, reading and cleaning (the dust here is really a neverending thing--I sweep every day and still my feet are black), and then Wed-Thurs I went down to Soufriere and spent some time with Mary, Tom and Kahani there, visiting a school with Tom and just checking things out. I really like Soufriere. Friday we had a volunteer meeting and then lunch at my house, so I was cooking and doing more cleaning early that day. It all went well, and during the lunch part, Gagamel (a rasta friend I've mentioned before) and his cousins Marcia and Loretta came by with Sabine. The girls stayed awhile (and Loretta insisted on washing all of my dishes) and then left for a while. Gaga stayed and we played cricket out back with Samuel and Jude. I'm getting to be an ok batter (all those years of softball paying off), but my bowling is still resembling pitching a little bit too much and I'm still way to hesitant about fielding with my bare hands when they really whack the ball. For only 2 lessons though, I'm coming along. It was a help to have more people there to teach me the rules, as Samuel conveniently only tells me things when the rule is in his favor... The girls eventually came back and picked up Gaga and me and we went to Marcia's house in Cap Estate, the northernmost tip of the island where all the really big houses are (it was my first time up there, as busses dont run there). It was gorgeous. We had a drink there and then headed to the jump-up at Gros Islet. It was interesting to be there for the second Friday in a row, and stand/dance in the same spot as before and watch the same sketchy guys hitting on different tourist women. (I've mentioned the "rent-a-dread" thing before, and this is where it's at its most prevalent and obvious.) Ironically though, I was there as a white girl dancing with a ras guy, so I was well aware of how that looked (and none too pleased about that impression). Though I was with a group of St. Lucians, I still had the sketchy guys coming to hit on me, but thankfully Gaga and his brother fended most of them off for me. He took me to Israel, a rastafarian club down the street that I never knew was there. The selector was much better than outside and was playing mostly dub, which I enjoyed. I was the only white person in there, but nobody really paid any attention to me, and I found that sort of refreshing. I'd go there again, but only with a ras, never on my own. We ended up at Shamrocks, despite my protestations that I wanted to go home (the problem of always being a passenger). Saw the usual suspects there and it was fun to sort of introduce the different people I've come to know to each other: Gagamel, Brendan, Sam and Shannon. All that was missing was Geoff (still not back from Cuba) and Caroline. Saturday I woke up early-ish to go for a hike with Nigel and Gagamel. We made our way to La Guerre and met some of the multitudes of Gaga's family (he is cousins with Deborah and they all live on the same street), got loaded down with mangos, coconuts and bananas from their land, and headed out to Marquis estate. Since Nigel has a jeep we really drove much of the rough road we inteded to walk, and then did a bit of exploring and hiking in the area by the beach and at an old sugar mill. Then we drove around to Desbarra, where the largest beach is located: Grand Anse, where the turtle watches are held. We didn't actually go down because we weren't sure if the car had enough fuel, but it was beautiful from the top of the ridge. We could look at the Atlantic and then back and see Babonnea and the surrounding towns. I went home and played with Sabine (and bathed her, much to her dismay and to my hands' injury) and then headed out to meet the Digicel crew to watch the Ireland vs. France rugby match. Ireland won, and it was a lively game, though I'm a bit sketchy on the intricacies of rugby and all the narration was in French. From there I went to Sam, Shannon and Heather's for Shannon's surprise birthday party. We assembled a pretty nice group of about 15 people there, surprised her and had some cake and drinks and then headed out to the usual locations: first Rumours, then Shamrocks. I found out that Domiti, a french girl that plays volleyball, is pregnant and soon moving to the US with Aliester, her boyfriend, and also coming with us to Barbados. Also, a girl who was working at Rumours and fun to chat with, Natalie, was told she was no longer needed, so joined our group for the night. Otherwise, the night was fun but unspectacular. At Shamrocks I eventually met up with Miguel, a guy I've met before, and we danced and he drove me home after everyone else in our group had already gone. I even dragged him all the way to Paix Bouche to a party at the house where I went on Xmas eve (Deborah was supposed to call and arrange a ride for me and didn't) but it was late and the party was ending by the time we got there. So much for that. Sunday we went to the beach, first to our usual spot and then to the other end where Shannon was celebrating her birthday with Prisca (her co-worker) and Ann-Marie, who is somehow related to Prisca and cooks food at the beach for sale. They have some cute kids, some of who are in pictures I will post soon. There we got in a girls vs. boys game of water frisbee with some Ras guys, Dennis and Jeff. The girls won, and we were all exhausted. I did some snorkelling, and saw some amazing fish by the rocks. Schools and schools of them, just swarming around me. A good day.

Today I'm in the PC office, finally cleaning out my inbox and working on my quarterly report (an interesting thing to do when you're between assignments). I worked on it from home this morning and then discovered my disk drive is still having issues, so I had to bring the whole laptop in to retype it. Fun.

There are tons of new pictures, including PC Day and Sabine, I haven't even begun to have time to post, but you can see many of them at Caroline's yahoo photos site: http://photos.yahoo.com/cebouche

So I'm still unemployed this week, as far as I know, and I'm going on vacation to Barbados this weekend with the girls for 4 days. I want to try surfing or windsurfing, and we're going to check out some caves. It should be a good time, and I'm really looking forward to my first trip off the island since I got here other than my brief jaunt to PA for the funeral in October. I will update my travel adventures when I return.

Yesterday was my last day of my terrible NGO job--the saga of my time at the Trust has come to a close, finally. It wasn't an easy day, but I didn't feel at all guilty, as I feared. All of the goodbyes and everything that happened pointed to the fact that this was the best decision I could have made. For those of you who got my email update, don't be concerned about me. The hard part is over and I'm looking forward to better times, enjoying my time off while it lasts. Today I enjoyed waking up without an alarm, and spent the morning cleaning thoroughly (battling the ant problem that has developed in the kitchen) and then reading and emailing. In the afternoon, I met some of the older volunteers, Denise and Doris, at a pool by the marina. We swam for an hour and then had a drink. It was good to get out of the house for a bit. We're meeting for coffee in the morning before we have to go to our ridiculous fire drill at the PC office (love those mandates from DC!). The next few days will be consumed by Peace Corps day preparations for many of us, as Sat. is our big day. That night, there is a big reggae show that we might go to--a tribute to Bob Marley with Bunny Marley, the Wailers and Sizzla.

Today Sam made reservations for Shannon, Caro and I at an inn near their friend Christy who is a volunteer in Barbados. We're visiting March 14-17, which unfortunately means I have to miss the 10K race, but I can't wait to go see somewhere new. We're going to try surfing! It should be great fun, and a nice break from life here.

I talked about the issue of war in my email today, but I haven't really mentioned current US political events here yet. I've been too wrapped up in describing my work drama, but I think and talk about it frequently with people here. More than I'd like to, as I'm often forced to answer to US foreign policy to a group of assorted nationalities. Being abroad while the US is preparing for a war that is stirring up anti-American sentiment worldwide is a pretty unsettling experience. I can't say that I feel threatened here, because in fact I might be safer here than if I was in the States. But representing that government when I don't agree with its policies is tough. Luckily a lot of people don't realize that Peace Corps means we're from the US--they think that all volunteers are called Peace Corps--and most people I meet think I'm English. I don't agree with this war, and I feel really helpless to do anything about it. These are scary times. Tjebe wed (hold strong). It's a good time for all of us to take a lesson from the rastas: One Love.

So the third of my three intended visits has now fallen through. Mark tried to get tickets using frequent flier miles for his spring break in april and it's sold out. So that's a bust. Jenn is out for financial reasons, due to car problems. Carla needed more time to ask off of work, and will probably come in May. Mark might make it for Carnival, now, in July. Hopefully. A good thing this news came this week and not last.

The good news is that tomorrow is my last day at the Trust. After a frustrating morning where Mike indicated to me that I should go to work tomorrow and he would let me know when he hears about my new job so we could tell them at the Trust, we both talked to Andrew and he called me later to tell me he's getting me out ASAP, and we'll work on the new job from there. Which is what I thought we had agreed on last week... At any rate, it will all be over soon. And then the waiting begins, which is ok by me. Thursday we now have a mandatory fire drill at the PC office. Seems ridiculous that the volunteers in the south have to trek all the way to the north just for some brief fire drill at the office, when the chances of them being around for any sort of real fire are pretty minimal. I don't mind much, but I would be pretty vexed if I were coming up just for that. A total waste of a day for them. But at least we'll get some help with PC day preparations.

I went by to check Quint tonight, but he couldnt find my cd that Jacinta left. Teased me about being a stranger. The son they have together is still there, but her two daughters both went to live with their fathers in the states while she gets work and goes back to school. She was going crazy down here with nothing to do. I went off on a quest before that to find Noel, who has apparently moved to Marisule (my neighborhood) without telling me. Kate told us on Sat. night that he moved out from their house, and Stevie gave me directions to where it was. I walked down there tonight at sunset, just after a huge rainstorm, and got covered in mud and nearly wiped out several times walking on the muddy roadside in my "beach slippers" (flip flops), which were maybe not the wisest choice of footwear. Got there and realized it was at the house right by where there is a well-known old stone bakery where everyone goes to buy their bread in the area. I had heard about the place but not been there. Now i know. The woman there, Glenda, told me he decided not to take the place, but didnt know where he had gone. So I gave up my quest and went home. I called the Irish presentation brothers and they told me he took a place just 'round the corner from there instead. At least he's ok, but I can't believe he moved into my neighborhood and didnt even tell me. He wanted to get out of his house though, so I'm glad he did.

This weekend and today I read Harry Potter books 3 and 4, which is a heck of a lot of pages. It's addicting! Saturday night we had a girls' night out, where Sam, Caroline and I went out and giggled like schoolgirls and I'm sure were generally annoying to everyone but ourselves (scared Jeff off pretty quickly) There was a boatload of british sailors in for the weekend, and we ended up meeting up with a pack of them and heading off to shamrocks. we danced quite a bit and had a little bit too much fun. Sunday we all paid the price for our overindulgence, though I was the only one to make it to the beach--only for a bit, before the sun became way too bright for me. I even had to skip out on my trip to Babonneau and just rest my poor aching head. One guy that I hit it off with had off on Sunday and I discussed meeting up with him the night before. Needless to say, in my condition I didn't make it out, and they shipped out to Sierra Leone today. It was fun to have cute guys to flirt with and fawn all over us. After months on a ship with no females in sight, we seemed like the most enchanting things they had ever seen. For us, it was nice to be able to talk to guys and know, culturally, what they were all about. And to know that they were leaving and we could flirt and not have to deal with it. Unlike the Lucian guys, who are staying and will take a mile if you give them an inch. So that was a nice diversion for the weekend. Definitely out of character for me, as I have openly ridiculed girls who do things like go to Pioneer Square to hit on the enlisted me, but as these are extenuating circumstances, i claim a one-time exemption from mockery. After all, we didn't go there seeking them out...

So as of tomorrow i will be gainfully unemployed. I'm looking forward to the pause between assignments but hoping that it doesnt drag on for ages, as things can around here with too many stakeholders stirring the pot.

This has to have been one of the most stressful weeks in recent years of my life, but I'm on the other side now, and I can see the light, so to speak. Actually, I'm feeling good again. I've sort of shown glimpses of my thought processes and snippets of misery here, but I don't think I've painted a very clear picture for anyone exactly what has going on with me. I think because I only really just sorted it out myself this week. I didn't want to admit to myself that I could have become that unhappy in paradise.

At the time I last wrote, I made a vague decision that something needed to change in my worklife, because I was so incredibly unhappy, and have been since i started, for the most part. At first, my motivation was simply because I had gotten to the point where the stress there was making me physically ill, but the more I thought about it (below, and more) I realized that really, the self-blame and depression I had been experiencing were really a result of the simple fact that I got a bad assignment. I'm supposed to be here doing community development work, I'm supposed to be doing projects that are sustainable and add value to communities, and moreover, I'm supposed to be in a give-and-take relationship with an organization where an information and cultural exchange can take place. None of that was true in my assignment where I was placed, as a slot-filler, in not only a job but a whole unfilled department with no one there to fill the role of support, exchange or even to point me in the right direction. I was given tasks only vaguely related to my job description, which in itself was already vague and containing things that were there simply because no one else could or wanted to do them, not because it made sense for me to be doing it. Furthermore, the agency is in a state of absolute chaos, undergoing a top-to-bottom reassessment that could result in that department I was trying to establish by myself no longer existing. From an organizational development perspective, it really made no sense for them to get a volunteer (which leads me to believe it was all politics). Finally being able to take myself out of the picture and realize that it was never a good idea, and that I was fighting a losing battle finally made the decision for me to ask for reassignment. It was not a decision quickly or easily made, nor one I take lightly, realizing that had I not made it, I probably would not have lasted my two years here. And I really don't want to go home. That said, I also didn't dedicate two years of my life to come here and be miserable and ineffective, or to get lost in some larger political game. So I mustered up all my courage Monday morning to make the call to my APCD, Mike, and go in and talk to him. But I quickly discovered it was a holiday in the US, and they had off. Damn.

At this point, there was no turning back for me, and the momentum behind my decision was so overpowering, I needed action right then, or I was afraid I'd really lose it. I called Mike at home and made an appointment for his earliest opportunity, which wasn't until Wed. He was distracted by family activities, and didn't notice the tears in my voice, or ask if I was ok. Frustrated, I called Andrew, the training director(and one notch up the chain), at home and reached him there. He's a good listener, and was incredibly supportive. More importantly, he agreed with me that I should get out, and actually, that I never should have been there in the first place (relief for my conscience, still second-guessing itself!). We discussed opportunities for placements, and he offered advice that I see the medical officer right away and let her know of the stress-related symptoms (nausea, migraines, mystery cramps, depression, crying jags) I'd been experiencing, both for the support she could offer and to bolster my case to be reassigned, should it become necessary. I followed his advice the next day, and I'm glad I did. Freida was a great listener, and again was in full agreement with my decision to be reassigned. In fact, she called my job and told them that I wouldn't be in for the rest of the week, and told me to take it easy and get better. Wed. I met with Mike, and though he's not the most assertive or supportive person (he listens, takes notes and says "uhm-hmmm" a lot, but really offers no solutions and provides no insight as to what he's thinking or planning), he agreed as well. So he met with Andrew following our meeting, and I met with Freida. Ah, bureacracy--meetings, more meetings, and meetings about those meetings. (thankfully, as yet no memos about the meetings about meetings.) As it stands today, I'm still vague about the process but it seems that I am indeed going to be reassigned to another position here in SLU, no further questions asked. Andrew's ideas for where I should be reassigned seem to have won out over Mike's, and Freida's influence seems to have smoothed the process and speeded up my removal. Yesterday Andrew and Mike spoke with officials at the National Youth Council and the Ministry of Education, Youth & Sports, and made inroads with enthusiastic persons there regarding placing me as a liaison between the two, based out of the NYC office in Castries and travelling island-wide for community youth projects. Sounds intriguing, and I will meet with them to discuss it on Monday. No work that day either, which is starting to feel a little bit weird. I'm happier, and more relaxed, but not totally happy, because I know that I'm still avoiding the inevitable really hard and emotional part where I have to go in with Mike, probably Tuesday, and tell them that I'm not coming back. And clean out all my files and my stuff. I know that I'll be talked about, and blamed, and there's even a good chance people will be angry with me. And I will have lots of explaining to do probably for weeks afterwards, since I'm on committees and things, and everyone knows everyone. And I'm likely to still run into or have work-related contacts with people in the same circles. After that, I guess I will spend the remainder of the week on Peace Corps Day preparations, as there is still work to be done.

Despite being out of work, I had a fairly busy week. Besides the meetings, I caught up on sleep, cleaning, read 2 1/2 books, went to the pool/beach once, met Jeff for backgammon twice (and emerged victorious from both series) and did a bit of background work on the literacy thing. Today Margaret and I wrote and emailed in our 1 page grant application intent paper to the UW technology leadership program that I was involved in. Hopefully our project proposal will be well-received and we can proceed with the application. We have a month to write it, and that should keep me busy. This week I was also interviewed via email by my hometown paper, The Reporter (in Lansdale, PA)for a feature on Peace Corps Day. It will run in Tuesday's paper, I believe. I've got to get Caroline to take a decent picture of me this weekend with the digital camera her mom brought from home. She has a knack for taking pics of me making stupid faces (which, admittedly, i have a knack for making). To me, all of that, except the sleeping, reading and beach part, is part of my job here, and it felt so nice to have a degree of freedom. PC is supposed to be about flexibility and collaboration, not some 9-5 NGO office job. It's hard enough just living here, being in a fishbowl 24/7. Don't get me wrong--paradise has its good points too, but it's not all vacation.

Tonight Jeff and I went to Caroline's for dinner. We polished off two bottles of wine and had a great time talking and reminiscing about favorite childhood shows, and seeing which ones aired in both the US and France. I took this great pic of Jeff taking great joy in opening the wine bottle and hearing the sound the cork makes--the french version of Shane and his obsession with "the sound" of ice rattling in a fountain soda. I can't wait to post it, along with a bunch of new ones we've taken recently. (Now that we have a digital camera, Caro and I will be going photo crazy. We used to have to beg, borrow and steal everyone else's photos and cameras.) Before dinner, when I got home from the PC office, I was at my kitchen table at the computer, online. My neighbor, Samuel, came by the window and said hi, and I unlocked the door because he was lingering and seemed like he had a question. He just repeated hi, but sort of migrated towards my door, looking at things on the table. He spied my little radio walkman, a tiny gift from my sister, and checked that out. So I asked him about computers--if he liked them, and if he was interested in the internet. He said yes to both, as I suspected, and was sitting down at the table in a heartbeat, ready to check it out. So he immediately located Disney.com and then another cartoon site and played a few games before Jeff showed up. Funny, a 12-year old was making fun of how slow my computer is (as a Pentium 1 on a dialup is apt to be) when he has none at all. Welcome to St. Lucia. I'm glad we made that connection. I hope it works out as it has for Clint, Ed, and Lauren, who have all been able to befriend local kids and share their computers and skills with neighborhood kids. Samuel's all I've got, and he's a good kid. It would be nice to be able to give him an outlet and teach him some extra skills he can't learn at school. He's already mastered the touchpad and pull-down menus in a few minutes. He'll be a whiz just now.

More random good news: A few days ago, I was coming home and passed my friend Jacinta's house and remembered I still have to go pick up the CD she left me from her boyfriend, Quint. I haven't gone by since she left. I was thinking about how much I miss her, and how cool it was to have this righteous rasta girl friend right down my street. I hadn't heard from her since she moved to Texas in January, but when I got home that night, there was a phone message from her, leaving me her email address and her phone number. She's in Florida now. We're back in touch, and I'm so glad!

Tonight the Jazz Lounge, which we've spent time at both because we like it and because the owner of Jeff's optometry company also owns it, officially died and reopened as "the lounge," a dance club. Only the new promoter is also the owner of another local nightclub, Le Chalet, and they had a big party tonight. So he never showed up today at "the Lounge," and double-booked the DJ both places. Slick. So it's off to a rocky start in its new incarnation. It's a great venue and I hope that it takes off eventually. We will miss having the Jazz Lounge as our own private living room though. Jeff went there to see if anyone actually showed up to the grand opening after we walked home from Caroline's, but I was too sleepy and headed home. And I'm still quite sleepy, so I'm headed to bed.

Tonight is the 300th episode of the Simpsons. Ive been looking forward to it all week, which might tell you something about my week

Its been a very rollercoaster week, featuring more downs than ups. Towards the end of the week I found myself in such a foul humour I couldnt even stand to be around myself. Partly, its the same old stuff , but partly some new changes going on at work and things that have just begun to sink in. (Its not that I dont like change, but in my work there have been so many changes, mostly bad, that I have a tendency to fear it while always harbouring hope that things will get better. But Im weary of hoping, and need something concrete.) For some reason I also found myself with a changed perspective on work, which I think is good, but in the short term has made me more unhappy. This week was our transition week, where the new Officer in Charge came in to shadow the ED for his last week. The situation at first made me hopeful, because she, being a conduit to the council, can and will be more likely to make changes as needed, whereas the ED (as mentioned previously) has a profound self-interest in the status quo (and I think a fear that his job could and might be taken away) and so protects it fiercely, guarding and controlling information both to and from the council. Now they will have unrestricted access to the truths of what goes on. The organization has, financially and organizationally, hit rock bottom, and this is a very crucial time. There is a task force studying every aspect of the organization and making sure what we do and how we do it makes sense. (A process which would be as valuable to me as nearly everything Ive studied so far at the Evans School, and yet they wont allow me to observe.) I have high hopes for this process, though I think some staff members may be fearful, as there is a possibilty jobs will be lost. Insulated by my role as a volunteer, I dont share that fear, but the atmosphere of negativity rubs off on me at work. Plus, Im still frustrated by the fact that no one there really gets what my role can and should be as a PCV. We never had the follow-up conversation to our big meeting at IST, and maybe thats better, as we can now have it with the Officer in Charge, and she can convey that information to the Council, who, after 5 _ months of me working there still know very little about me or what Im supposed to be doing, she tells me. Fabulous. Plus, my workspace issues are now at their absolute worst. When I started, Giles intended for me to desk share with the membership secretary, but didnt make that clear to her, so I had no place to work. When I mentioned this to him, he moved her, and gave me her old desk and computer. We still had to do a fair bit of desk switching, because there are only a few decent computers, mine being one of them, and as its next to the shared printer, people often needed to barge in for a few minutes or hours. Because Im a volunteer and no one understands what I do (both because Giles never really got it and because he also never explained it or introduced me to everyone properly), no one seems to think what I do has any relevance, they dont mind booting me out with nothing to do. This trend is made worse by the fact that Jude, who does much of the map-drawing, file scanning, etc. doesnt have a computer assigned to him (though his manager gives him more than his share of work he hasnt seen fit to correct this problem, though he knows about it), so he has to boot one of us off, or wait till were not around. As he gets in earlier than me, this has now morphed into him taking over my desk entirely, losing my papers, and not understanding the concept of sharing. I realize that we are scarce of resources, and that Im supposed to be flexible. I can do that. However, what I cant do is sit for 8 hours, being "flexible" and essentially wasting my time, hand writing things Im working on on legal pads that I need to retype later, while Jude is on MSN messenger, telling me he I can have the computer in "45 minutes" when the newsletter is already 3 weeks late (due to circumstances out of my control). I have a computer at home, and so I say Im working from home in the morning, and I do, and I get this knowing look from the front office staff, all women, who suspect everything I do. The same for working at the PC office. Though they have no idea what I do and Im a volunteer anyway, they are always suspicious that Im somehow not doing what Im supposed to. Even if that has never been made all that clear because they have no set education program and I have no counterpart to guide me. I told the Officer in Charge about the workspace problem, and she has promised another computer. Until it has been remedied, I have decided to work from the PC office or home. I cant just sit there anymore. It would be better if I really had any friends there, but that seems to shift with the wind. Diana and I get along best, but she seems to have her mind on other things these days and barely talks to me. The guysSpencer, Michael and Duanewho I hung out with at first, are now tired of me, I guess. Theyre nice enough but they dont include me in what they do or talk about either. The front office womenDawnelle, Debbie and Eleanoronly include me if they have to. Debbie and Eleanor are nice enough to a point, but Debbie still makes remarks about "Americans!" to me if she doesnt understand something Im doing, rather than asking me to explain it. Dawnelle goes through phases of ignoring me or trying to make me feel as left out and unimportant as possible. Theyve all adopted a new high-school aged volunteer helping out in the accounts department with open arms, and one day I walked in to she and the front office staff giggling and planning everyone chipping in for some lunch, and they all just stopped talking when I walked in. That about did it for me for the week. No desk, no one talking to me, no one understanding what I do I can see this all happening at the start, but my assignment seems to be gong in reverse! At first, it wasnt great, but it was ok and since then its even gone downhill! My "partner" works in the south, is too busy to work with me (which defeats the point in him being called my community partner), and this week asked me to prepare my notes for him on a meeting which we both attended, and the postponement of the followup meeting he failed to mention to me, so I rushed in for it to find out it was moved. At my wits end, I barely tactfully told him no, my notes were insufficient for that sort of thing as I hadnt been told I was taking notes other than for myself. One more example: in my workplan Giles wrote (see there the lack of participatory process?) that I am to write an education policy for the organization. Forgive me if Im a little obtuse, but shouldnt the organization have done that before they brought on a full-time volunteer to work in education? Mightnt it have been wise to sort out what topics they wanted to teach and who their targets are? And how is it a wise idea for the newest person to he agency to be dictating this sort of policy? I told Giles that a policy is definitely needed, but there too many unanswered questions for a policy to be written, and that maybe this should wait (since it wasnt done before I came,) until the Council Task Force is done their evaluations of everything, as the role of education might be elucidated in this process. No, he says, do it now in a draft, and the questions you raise will guide the conversation and help to form the policy. That makes some sense, but to me still seems like putting the cart before the horse, but at the Trust this is how things are done. Write a policy, fill it with too-fancy overwrought language and a few ideas that youve made up and lots of references to other documents, then make people wade through it to try and find the holes and then fix it from there. To me it makes more sense to make a list of issues at stake in deciding a policy, have a meeting or meetings where we decide on it, and then write a clear and easy-to-read policy on it from there. And this is one more way that I feel like a failure. Im supposed to be there bringing new ideas and perspectives and in word, they all embrace this, but in deed, they all go about doing whatever theyve always done. I get zero respect or even recognition for having any decent ideas. I know its not me, but after several months of this, its hard not to take it personally. So I plod onward.

Im really unhappy and cant see an easy way out of this situation. On one hand I see my bad situation getting worse, and structurally, there doesnt seem to be a way for me to work within the organization effectively and to get the support I need. They arent open to sharing me, even if thats the most effective way for me to get the work done that they want. Its a very dysfunctional possessive relationship. But on the other hand, there is still hope. The task force is rearranging things, Ive told the Officer In Charge that my role is not well-defined nor understood and that there has been a misunderstanding with the ED, and it seems like if I can just wait a little longer, things could work out. Im not a very patient person, so this waiting is very frustrating for me, but I have waited, and things havent gotten much better. Ive been waiting since I started. So what I cant see clearly now is whether Im being foolish or wise by waiting any longer. Its just hard to know because I dont know whats behind door #2: how easy would it be to be reassigned and what kind of place would I get put in? It could be walking from the frying pan into the fire. I feel an urgency to get this cleared up because a new batch of volunteers are coming in early April, and then much of the staffs time will be devoted to their training, homestays, assignments and housing search for the next few months. Soon after another bunch will come in July. Another reason I hesitate is that this very dysfunctional organization and its current processes are a clear candidate for my degree project, as I have mentioned. But I realized recently that still doesnt mean I have to stayour degree project can be about an organization were not directly involved in, so long as we know and understand the situation.So I need to go have a heart to heart with our APCD, which may or may not get me anywhere. Mike is a sweetheart of a man, but by American standards, not the most helpful. Were used to people who listen and take action. He listens, nods, and it goes nowhere. Weve all learned that conversations with Mike can be effective if you tell him your problem, he nods, and then you provide the solution and tell him what you need him to do. But as far as having an open discussion where he suggests options and then takes an active role in helping you resolve things, he is fairly useless. Andrew (an American), is better at this, but hierarchically, we have to go to Mike first. Plus we have this un-followed up conversation from IST to to have with someone at my org. Right now my instinct, despite my fear of a reassignment being worse, is to make one more attempt and then scrap it. As much as I fear the unknown, I fear worse being left behind in my present situation while everyone is distracted for months by the new trainees. Im sad though, because I like some of the work Ive been given. I dont mind a challenge but a hostile work situation is quite different. I have to keep reminding myself of this so I dont feel like a failure, or keep blaming myself for not being able to accomplish things there. I feel very much like Im being used as a work horse, but not getting very much back out of the situation. Except theyre not even doing that well, because a work horse without a workstation is not a very effective thing

In the meantime, Ive got this full-on research project to do for the Trust. I mentioned it beforean educational cd-rom for which they need detailed information on all the Trusts protected areas and sites. I will be working probably 10+ hours on this for 2 weeks, so I need to find some motivation. There is reimbursement offered, which I am not allowed to accept, but under condition of my doing it I am asking that the Trust use the money to pay for equipment for educationa computer and workspace and whatever supplies (like the doc files and labels for the documentation centre) are needed. Whether I stay or not, at least they will have equipment for someone to be able to do it. Ive got a great opportunity to get a trainee from Carolines centre to come do data entry and work on our documentation centre, but we have no desk even for me to sit at, let alone another person. So we cant take the option of more free labour because we havent the resources to support it. And theres a 2-foot high mound of documents to be entered (which has somehow also found its way into my work plan because theres no one else to do it). I have told the ED that I will gladly train and manage a volunteer to do it, but it is not sustainable nor sensible for them to waste me as a resource doing mindless data entry. And now I cant even do that. You can see how my full-to-the brim workplan isnt the most effective nor accomplishable thing And yet I know I will be held to it strictly under the auspices of the new Council analysis-cum-micromanagement era. The more I think about this, the more I realize that this is just not the right time for the agency to have a pcv, until theyve got their structure and niche carved out more clearly. I think thats how I need to approach my talk with Mike next.

I realized recently that it has come to where during the week I put my life on hold, doing whatever I need to do to get through the week, and then thrive when the weekends come. I live for the weekends. And on the weekends Im so exhausted and drained from the week that I have no energy to invest in getting further involved in the community, or getting to know my neighbors better. I hang out with another PCV (Caroline, who also has an iffy work situation, except she just has nothing to do) and often the Canadian volunteers, sometimes the Irish. We see lots of people--Lucians and ex-pats--when were out, and I have no problems relating to any of them socially. I hate that I live the tourist life on weekends, but its the only way I can feel sane. I know that there is no "true" Peace Corps experience, but when I read and hear about the experiences other volunteers are having in other countries, I feel a bit envious, and again, a bit like something is going wrong for me. Peace Corps in the EC and in St. Lucia particularly, is just different than in the rest of the world. And it would be slightly more like a "traditional" experience if I were assigned to a more rural part of the island. But while the education volunteers can be scattered about, the NGO jobs are largely concentrated in the city, which means living in the outskirts as I do. Where we live its largely commuter areas, like the suburbs at home. The neighborhoods are mixed with middle and lower-class, and I still have chickens, goats and cows scattered about near my apartment, but there are only 4 buildings on my street, which is just a cul-de-sac jutting off the main highway. Theres not a lot of interaction going on here, or sense of community. For safety reasons, I dont really tell people I meet where I live (and I have most people who drive me home drop me at the end of my street) so that means I miss out on having people stop by. Ive met most of the neighbors and we say hi, but its not as though they invite me in to talk or express much curiosity about me. I suppose I need to be more outgoing, but as I say, the work situation so drains me that I have little energy left to spare on other "risky" endeavors. The high point of my week was when Samuel, the boy next door, came up to me when I was reading on my porch Friday afternoon (having just left early because I had no place to work) to show me something he had made at schoolsalt (colored with chalk) in a lucozade bottle in a layered "painted desert" sort of design. That really made my day. He told me he didnt get anything for valentines day at school, so I gave him packet of Tastykakes from my finally dwindling supply (of the 12 boxes dad sent, I have 3 leftmost have been given away). I dont know how his mom would feel ( I think she suspects Im a bit weird or somehow a bad influence. Maybe Im just paranoid but the whole family next door besides Samuel is friendly and helpful but distant. Maybe we all just dont know what to say to each other), but I was thinking of letting Samuel use my computer and check out the internet. Maybe I could help him make a website or something. Kids here dont get to use computers muchonly a few of the better schools have labs, and even then they are often not given good instruction on them or used properly. (For example, there is a new lab in the Soufriere school, and for months, no one has been able to use it because the Ministry of Education supposedly changed the password and no one down there knows it, but no one from the Ministry has come down to fix it. Tom was considering doing some computer classes but to my knowledge he still cant use those computers. And yet no IT volunteers were assigned to St. Lucia??) So thats a new project to be taken on. I think I should ask Ann first before mentioning it to him.

In the last two weeks Ive become so absorbed in misery by day, avoidance by night that I havent practiced my guitar at all. I feel like a jerk for that because I really want to learn and its embarassing to face the teacher when you know you havent practiced. So Im avoiding Mike too. But this week I have to at least start back at that. I dont know if I can handle volleyball and guitar and all of this work madness, so I will just stick to one. Im still running and I need to kick that up a notch in preparation for an upcoming 10K in Soufriere. This coming weekend is a Trust member activity-a hike in a central island area called Millet, in the banana belt. So Ill still be active. (Maybe by the time aunt Janets package with the knee pads arrive I'll be ready to take on the additional challenge of learning more volleyball. I dont want to give it up entirely, and I need to take advantage of it before the Canadians leave in May, since they're my link to the group, and sort of my coaches.) I just need to take these things more slowly. I was so desperate for other things to make me happy that I got in a bit over my head.

Well, now that Ive vented about work and Im feeling more clear-headed, I can get back to filling my journal with the usual happy descriptions of weekends and good times. Friday night Caroline and I went to the Canadians house and made dinner with Sam, Shannon and her friend Kelly (who left Sat. after 3 weeks here). We made pizza, salad, yams and saltfish and a yam and cheese casserole. We also drank half a bottle of Nutz and Rum and two bottles of wine. Samantha has a boyfriend back in Canada, but the rest of us dont, but none of us care too much about Valentines day nonetheless. For some reason, our stories turned to the embarassingsort of an informal gave of "I never," where each of us shared our most ridiculous, out-of-character or absolutely bizarre experiences, and laughed so hard we nearly fell off our chairs. Eventually, fueled by laughter and wine, we decided to go out, but it was sort of a disappointment. We went first to Rumours, and found some people we knew there (including a member of PC staff, Rosemary, who gives me rides from the office to work sometimes, and her husband), but it was so crowded with people coming from the restaurants for vtines that we were stuck outside. None of us wanted our beers, and so we abandoned them and went to try out Shamrocks. The band was already playing when we got there, but they werent very good, and were playing mostly slow songs, so it wasnt quite the usual crazy scene. We staked out a table in the corner and steeled ourselves for a new onslaught of Alvin games. I gave him the cold shoulder and so he moved to Caroline, who did the same. Later, I was dancing with someone else, and he tried to dance with her, and got vexed when she wouldnt and stomped off. He spent most of the night brushing past me as I talked to this guy, or glaring at me from across the room. The person I was talking to was a genuinely nice-seeming person named Don who is a Marlin fisherman and works for some local wealthy guy, travelling throughout the islands taking people fishing. Not a bad life. He was an interesting guy, and not too creepy in the usual overly pushy, overly inappropriate way. He actually asked me questions about myself, which is rare around here. We danced a little, but mostly talked. Still though, Im very much a skeptic. He asked for my number and I wouldnt give it to him, so he gave me his. I told him that I'm very cautious, as a new person, and that I wasnt likely to call. He said he understood, and was still nice enough to give us a ride home. He gained enough points by that that I might call him My hesitancy is because things are so intense herea phone call will practically make him my boyfriend. Really, any small effort a woman makes is taken as a much larger sign of interest. You cant be casually interested here, and theres no slow process of getting to know. You either are or you arent, and I have a hard time with that. So maybe Ill call him, but I will have to let him know that I want to be friends, and see if that works. Probably I wont because thats just easier and less drama-laden, but Im sick of my little circle of friends and our same routines. I hate that its so unlikely to have male friends here, because making female friends isnt easy. Theyre suspicious and competitive, and often dont have the same interests as us. There are so many small barriers. There are always exceptions to both cases, of course, but its so hard to find. Thats what the next year and a half are for. Right now thats seeming like a very long time.

Saturday, the PCVs had our boat ride to Marigot Bay. It was a beautiful day, with a few rainstorms scattered throughout, and there were 14 of us on board this maybe 40 foot sailboat. It was possibly the biggest sailboat Ive been on, and a really nice one, with sleeping area for 5. This American guy, George, has been sailing the Caribbean for years, and he takes people out on long trips, not usually day charters. For us he made an exception, and we all had a really nice time. We sailed out of Rodney Bay at about 10 am and took just over two hours to get to Marigot. We anchored there in the bay and had lunchwe had food and drinks in a cooler and everyone shared. Doris's host mother, Grace, came along and had made her famous wings and some floats, and George broke out some rum punch to share. Lauren and I swam about a 1/2 mile out to the shore and checked out the reefs there (her with goggles, me with my snorkel, and others swam) and we played music and dominoes and relaxed. Around 2, Mary and Tom and his two sisters that just arrived in town the night before (both Benedictine nuns), Kahani, Margaret and Laura (who lives in the north, in Babonneau, but had gotten sick from the boat) got off and met a taxi they had arranged to take them south from there--no point in going back north to go south very late that night. So the seven of us took the trip back north (Clint stayed overnight with Doris and Lauren with me) and watched the sunset. Apparently there is a "green spark" that you can see on a clear night when the sun sets, so we all sat and watched for it. Just before the final sliver of sun sinks into the sea, it turns green for a brief second. I was looking for some sort of "flash" above so missed it, but it was there. Ill look again, but frankly was disappointed that it wasnt more exciting. It gave us something to focus on as we finished off the rum punch. Lauren and I hit the grocery store before heading home and then showered, made a veggie stirfry and drank some tea and watched movies. Notting Hill came on, and neither of us could stay awake for the end, we were so completely wiped out from the day. I even took two naps onboard the boat.

Today I was supposed to go on the boat with Lyle and Maggie again,but she reinjured her neck a pinched nerveso that is postponed once again. I went to the beach as usual and met the girls, and afterwards we went for ice cream, and then I went to visit Maggie. Had a beer there, and got a phone call from mom. Talking to more people has made me more resolute that I need to get out of my job. Its just not going to work out in the forseeable future. So I am going to the PC office for a meeting in the morning. I got another Alvin story from Friday night from Sam: after Caro and I left, they got hit on relentlessly for a few more hours, and then finally dragged Kelly away. Before they left, Alvin sat down to talk to Sam and was chatting with her, joking and telling her happy birthday, as Shan had told him it was her bday earlier and he brought her a free drink. She admitted that it wasnt really her birthday, and he freaked out, got really vexed and stomped off. So apparently all of us are on his bad list now. Oh well. Wish me luck tomorrow! This is going to be a tough week.

Had the kind of day today where a lot happens but not much gets done. Frustrating. Started off with a long wait at Cable and Wireless (the phone company, who has a monopoly here at present), because my phone just stopped working last night. I'm not sure if it's part of the recent trend of their service falling apart, as my voicemail was broken for nearly a month and several other people I know have been experiencing phone problems in the last few days (paranoid theory has it that it's punishment for recent protests downtown of rate hikes), or because my bill was late being paid. I needed to ask them questions about the bill as well, so I started the morning off there. The guy I spoke with was reasonably helpful considering his evil company's policies, and removed $17 in incorrect charged from my astronomically high bill. However, I couldn't get an itemized list of the phone calls they claim I made, because they charge $5 a page! So it's a lose-lose proposition, they'll rip you off one way or another. My electricity bill was double what Caroline's and Doris's were, so I feel like theres something wrong there as well.

Today at work was somewhat successful in that I had the computer all day (Jude was not there) and the new "Officer in Charge" already on her second day proved herself more helpful than others at the top of the food chain have been in my time thus far: she found a short-term solution to our computer sharing issues. The marketing mgr at Pigeon Island has resigned, and his computer will be moved to our office. I think it's a fairly old and slow one, but its a computer nonetheless. Praises. Otherwise, we were having network issues and I got very little done, except a long-planned and postponed meeting with Giles, and I left later than planned and frustrated, as always. When I got home, I decided to vent my frustrations with a swim in the sea. The nearby beach, Marisule beach, is small and home to the boats and equipment of many local fisherman. Some people do go there to swim (locals) but it is primarily a working beach, with several houses located nearby and small motorized wooden boats lining up on the sand. I don't go there often, since someone from PC gave me a warning about going there alone, but the neighbors have pretty much told me it's safe. I called Doris and told her where I was going (the beach is at the end of her street) and then headed down there. I'm so glad I did! I got in a few laps of the length of the beach before the sun set for good. It was so peaceful--the sea was placid, and I was the only one out there except an older fisherman working on his boat. I watched the sun sink into the sea, planes land and a cruise ship leave the harbor. The sun was a huge orangey ball with beams of "god light" streaming out above the clouds as it sank into the sea. It looked like a cartoonish child's drawing of the sun. Moments like that make me glad to be alive. I left the beach in a much better state of mind, and stopped to check Doris for a bit on my way home.

Finally hooked up with my Mom via IM, though my connection kept timing out, which was frustrating. Also talked with Jenn, and in doing so missed a call from Carla regarding a visit from her! Looks like March-April will be quite a busy time for me. I can't wait! How funny that all 3 of my first visitors (other than Steph, who was a stranger to me when she got here, but is now a friend) are from grade school/high school. I have the feeling that Spring is going to fly past before I know it.

Friday's meeting went well, despite those of us from the north having to wait an hour and a half in the heat of the morning for the Soufriere transport to fill up. To make matters worse, I had coffee at home and then decided during the wait to buy a green coconut to drink before a long, bumpy ride. Bad idea. Then I got the middle seat (worst seat of all because there is nothing to lean on during all the hairpin turns) and was between a carsick volunteer and a beligerent old man that shouted loudly in Kweyol the entire ride and made the driver stop twice--once to buy cassava bread except then he was rude to the proprietor and didnt buy any, and then so he could pee on the side of the road (insult to injury as my coconut and coffee haunted me). Eventually, we arrived and had a good meeting and a nice lunch: turkey stew, creole bread, salad and pasta salad. The ride back home was much less eventful, in a good way. I reached home about an hour earlier than I normally do from work-4- and took the opportunity to thoroughly clean my apartment and then read for a while. Later that night, Caroline, her mom Kathy, her brother Will, Jeff, Noel, Stephen, and I took a taxi to Anse La Raye for the fish fry, stopping to pick up Margaret before we got into the village. We had a nice time, having some drinks and eating bakes and floats (biscuits that are either fried on a pan or fried in oil), akras (fishcakes), and various other foods: stephen and I shared some parrot fish, which came whole--heads, eyes and all, Margaret had some octopus, and Kathy and Will shared a lobster, while Jeff got his own. (He proceeded to pick up the entire tail on his plastic fork and eat it that way, which we dubbed French style.) We talked about going out afterwards, but didn't arrive home until 1 and called it a night. We decided we'd take Will out for some Lucian nightlife Saturday night.

Saturday morning came too quickly, and the Boucher family and I met downtown at 10. We took a Vieux Fort bus, which travels across the island and then south on the E. Coast highway (as opposed to the oft-described hideously curvy W. Coast road to Soufriere. After the center of the island, there are no roads crossing the interior of the island, so to get south one must take the highway on either the E or W coast). We got off halfway to Dennery at the Barre de LIsle Trail, which the map shows as a small green loop trail, and the Lonely Planet guide describes as "a lush rainforest hike, which is in the center of the island along the ridge that divides the eastern and western halves of St. Lucia, leads to the top of the 1446-foot Morne La Cambe. It provides some fine views along the way and takes about 3 hours roundtrip. Guides are available weekdays from the Forestry department," and we had tried to call and arrange something, but the proper person "wasn't available" and no one returned Caroline's call (my second unsuccessful attempt to arrange a hike with Forestry) and thus we were on our own. There were no maps, but the trail was clearly marked and well-maintained. We took it easy, stopping many times along the way, especially when Will spotted a huge furry yellow spider peeping out of a hole. We got some pictures and continued onward. About an hour and a half later, we found ourselves at an intersection with signs pointing both left and right. The sign to the left read "Trail" and someone had hand-written "to the end of the trail," while the one to the right read simply "Hiking Trail". Realizing that we wanted to go to the end, we took the left. It took us about 20 more feet and ended at a viewpoint looking out at the Atlantic coast and Piton Flore and La Sorciere. We had a short break and then decided since the trail dead-ended there, the other way must take us back, since it's shown as a loop trail on the basic tourist map of the island. So we set off, though the latter half of the trail was not as well-maintained or well-marked, there were ribbons on the trees indicating the way. The trail continued along the ridge from the viewpoint, with many ups and downs along the way, many slippery with mud and slightly treacherous. (Kathy hadn't expected this sort of trail and so was wearing only birkenstocks where the rest of us had sport sandals). We hiked onwards, at this point having lost all sense of direction, but expecting that any minute the trail would curve and head downwards and back to the trailhead. We stopped several times to regroup and discuss our options, but without a map or any clear indication of what was happening, and no desire to backtrack, we kept going forward. Will and I had gone ahead and eventually found a sign which read "Beware of Razor Grass." After 4 hours of hiking and no idea when we'd be done, it was such an absurd sign and situation we just had to laugh. We regrouped, and since it was 3pm, Kathy made the executive decision that we should turn around and go to the known end of the trail, as the sun sets at 6. Grimly, we turned back, knowing that we had a long way ahead of us, were already tired and getting sore, nearly out of water and out of food. None of us had come prepared for the trek we found ourselves on. There was no going quickly, either, due to the slippery, rocky and hilly terrain and our growing tiredness and footwear issues. We kept at it and at 5:30, Will and I found ourselves back at the original trail intersection, where the signs made even less sense given our experience. We couldnt help but wonder where on earth the trail we were on went, and why they would bother with the confusion of signing it so vaguely. We continued back on the original trail, reveling in the relative comfort of its well-maintained stairs with ropes and gravel, and reached the trailhead just after 6:30 when total darkness fell. Exhausted, muddy and hungry, we climbed through the fence and aboard the first transport that came past. In Castries, we bought some green drinking coconuts, and thus refreshed, took a bus directly to Rodney Bay to Pizza Pizza. We gorged ourselves and headed home to bed. So much for taking Will out. Next time.

This morning I woke up sore in the calves, but not bad considering our 7 hour hike. Made some tea, read a little, put a load of wash in, made some banana-coconut bread. Then I went to wash the bowl from the banana bread batter, and nothing came out of the faucet. I realized the washer, too, was silent. Nothing. What I dont understand, though, is if the main water is out, why we're not getting any from the tanks-there are two large black emergency tanks of water for my three-apartment complex, and they couldnt possibly be empty. So I have no water for now. Luckily there was a pitcher in the fridge. Hopefully it will be back when I return. Today I plan to do very little but lounge at the beach. I'm still feeling very tired from yesterdays adventure. I'm looking forward to seeing the picturesthough we didnt see a parrot in all that time, we did see a leaf-bug (like a walking stick, but shaped like a leaf) that wed seen in jungle documentaries before and that big scary spider. And many slugs.

Later Sunday. I ran into the environmental education guy from Forestry at the supermarket and he gave me a ride to the beach, so I told him our tale of woe. It turns out the trail is badly signed because you're not supposed to be there without a guide (though we did try to arrange one). He said the trail we were on gets pretty terrible further on, and that we totally saved ourselves by turning around, because it goes all the way to the south of the island, down towards Mt. Gimie, the highest peak on the island. It would take several days to get there. So were even luckier than we knew that we turned around.

The beach was gorgeous today--so clear that you could even see your shadow on the bottom. I got there to find a whole new era in the Alvin mindgames, which have been blissfully quiet for a few weeks: today he and another guy were there on rented chairs with two heavyset white tourists. The second he saw me he called out to make sure I saw him there, holding her hand, and throwing himself all over her. No doubt another one of his tourist conquests in the whole rent-a-dread phenomena. I'm sure it was supposed to make me jealous but all it really did was make Sam, Caro and I alternate laughter with nausea all afternoon. We went for ice cream afterwards, and when I got home, my water was back on. Hooray! I grabbed some stuff and went and had dinner at Carolines. I got some roti wraps downtown the other day, and so we used them with our combined ingredients to make black bean/soy chunks burritos, and they were mighty good. We had starfruits and salad, and afterwards, Nutz and Rum (a milky peanut punch drink) leftover from her parental visit, while we cooled out listening to the new MP3 cds Will brought. I scheduled with my mom that we should chat online tonight, but so far no word. Knowing her, it will happen smack in the middle of the hour-long Simpsons fest tonight. She has a knack for that. My calves are killing from yesterday's hike. Im not feeling ready to take on another week of work, but I think this week will be busy. I've got some things to track down Giles for and work on with him, which will be quite a task on his last week, I imagine. Plus I have to finish my goals statement for PC and send that in. Blech. I'm working on a comparison that I will post here when I feel a little better about it on things that are the same as I expected in the PC and here, and the things that are different. We just recently got a contact about a newsletter called The Chain for returned PCVs from the eastern caribbean. If it comes out well, I may send it to them. The newness of being online still hasnt worn off. I feel like someone who has just discovered the internet. Amazing how little it takes to entertain me.